A Sanctuary LLC

So sorry that you are hurting. Sending you hugs, prayers and warm wishes. You are correct you do not deserve any of the bad treatment that you are getting.
Broken

HUG!
I am so sorry that you are dealing with all of this! RD, I just wanted to relay to you that I see a pattern of domestic violence here. There is a cycle and it defiantly seems you have reached stage two. He is abusing you. Its not your fault! Aggressor s put down their victims and tell them that its the victims fault (you provoked me). I recognize that you are in a really tough spot. You have your children to think about, and you probably love your husband. Still, he cannot do these things to you! Do you know that when he does that, and your children are watching they become second hand survivors? I am sorry if I am being really forward.. .. I CARE! I guess I am still a bit angry about the situation my mom went through and the abuse I survived. Here is a link, please look into it:
Cycle of Abuse
Your friend,IW
Be Safe!

Checking in today to say that I am thinking about Raindrop and hoping that she is doing better.
Broken

Just because I am silent, this doesn't mean that I don't care. To the contrary, this is a larger than usual reply.
First, (officially speaking) I want to remind everyone that this is a blog and the general public has access to it.
With this in mind, we will not make changes or corrections, nor will we move this arbitrarily move this (unless a post is in violation of our Terms Of Use).
I have read this over a number of times in efforts to not reply with an emotional response (tempting as it may be).
Rather, here is a diagram showing the cycle of domestic abuse.

Thank you all so much for your concern and your prayers. I'm overwhelmed at the moment
in reading all the comments. (shocked face)
Cloud thank you taking the time and sharing ACloudWalker's words and the Bible verses. They are very helpful to my mind set at the moment. And I will be reading them again and thinking more about those words.
I am also a second hand survivor IW. (sad face) I remember the feeling of being afraid or wishing I wasn't born when my father would verbally abuse my mother and make her feel like less of a person. Sadly my mother is still with this man (my Step father) who treated her and her children this way. I hate him and love him at the same time. But mostly I hate him! He still mentally abuses me and now he uses facebook and publicly shames me with his rude remarks. I don't even show myself online anymore because my Dad would say random crazy stuff to me trying to get a rise out of me and then I found out (from another family member) that my Dad was posing as my mother online and talking to me. That in itself is a long story.... Don't want to get to far off subject here....I should get back to discussing the husband. It took me awhile to see the abuse in my relations hip with my husband. I can only fathom it was because as a survivor of physical, mental and verbal abuse from my parents I'm used to being treated like that. The fact that my children see it and here it does concern me because I know what they are going through right now. (single tear)
I could say more but I have way to much to say (tape over lips). and I really need to go to bed. I just wanted to say thank you for your concern.
RainDrop

Just a thought and take it for what its worth but I am learning that you "teach" people how
you want to be treated. The more you set limits and boundaries the better you will be treated. No limits or boundaries its easy to become a doormat.. or a victim... be strong..thinking of you.
Broken

Thinking of you as well. I don't know what holidays, if any that you celebrate. With the upcoming holiday, and the post you made, I have been thinking of my past holidays.
They were crazy, some times harsh, dysfunctional, and tough. Tears and pain always was included. But you know something? I don't remember a single holiday season of which I was truly unhappy.
It is so weird. One of my aggressors beat me black and blue on Christmas eve, but I remember not the abuse, but instead, egg nog and peppermint ice cream.
My musings,
Always IW

I agree IW....It seems a black cloud follows most of us around on the holidays(sad face). But your right the comforts of Christmas and the overall holiday spirit helps to keep us happier for the most part. We tend to help and give more to those in need and that also makes us feel better overall. Helping us to not be unhappy for a moment... .and be grateful.
Thank you for your thoughts Broken... YOUR RIGHT! I need to work on those boundaries more and get him to listen to me too...Though come to think of it, I've been trying to do that for the last 20 yrs(sad face). I really need to get us into counseling....so that a third party can help set those boundaries with us(sad face).

Now that is growth. I hope you are glad for it.
Cloud

Thinking of you Raindrop and hoping that you are well.
Broken

I will be more glad when I listen to my advice and take it. Saying it and knowing it are one thing.... but growth will only happen when I take that step and go.(embarrassed face) Thanks Cloud!
And Thanks Broken for thinking of me....I'm better then I was(winking face). Hope your well too!

Hi all
You are all in my thoughts and prayers. I know that sound a bit "religous" but I feel that its nice to know that some one is not only thinking of you but trying to help, even if all they can do is whisper their thoughts of you. Who knows, in this cosmic world of ours maybe prayers really to help. Maybe just the person knowing that you are praying for them is enough to change things. I love to believe that what ever your God, we are all connected, praying for the greater good, and sending our love to each other.
So heres to my love, my prayers and my thoughts for you all.
Happy Holidays, Winter Weather, and New Year.
Always,
IW

I couldn't agree with you more IW.
I believe in the power of prayer and the power of thoughts too! Sending LOVE to everyone also!
RainDrop

Hope that all are surviving and thriving during the holidays.
Broken

Just wanted to say that I HATE change and lots of things are changing in my life right now making me uncomfortable and weepy...and feeling bad....
Broken

Sorry to hear you are feeling bad.
Generally speaking, routine or the absence of change is something that everyone comes to know (whatever the routine, they know what is "going to happen next"), and because of this "foreknowledge there is not the unpleasantness or fear of what "might" happen.
Is this something that you can or choose to be more specific about? If you don't, that's okay too.
Wishing that you can find a way of coping that will help you, from mantras, to the members SCREAMING ROOMS.
Warmly,
Your Sanctuary Staff

At work we are preparing for an audit and some adminstrators could be replaced. I report to 4 different male principals and get along with all except for one who likes to make inappropriate comments to me and micromanage. His office has been moved closer to my room due to remodeling (like right across the hall).

At Church our minister was removed and a new minister hired all in about 3 months time.

2 examples. ..I hate change
Broken

I agree, change is something that is always accepted more easily if it is only one at a time. Wish I could think of something helpful to beyond this. Many of us have survived worse, and I know you can make it through this (but I also know that doesn't make it any easier).
Cloud

I really DISLIKE change unless I am in control of it. Right now is a good example. My brother is sick and has been in the hospital. He has since moved to Santa Rosa Memorial, which is a better hospital. Though that is hard for every one involved. In order to cope with change I don't want I make a change I do want. So out of inspiration of my brother, I have decided that I will make sure that I am healthy. That my son gets the best of care and healthy food. I make that change to take care of my husband and not let him worry about his own health... we will take care of each to other. IDK [I don't know]... just thoughts ... ~IW

You are so NOT the person I met a year ago. You have grown so much.
Cloud

still living through my changing times..ho pe things are better for all of you..
Broken

I know I haven't been here as often... but I am feeling I have lost my place here.
IW

IO, that is so not true. You are missed and welcomed here, ALWAYS!!
I have double checked and verified that all members can freely join the "On Vacation" membergroup.
Likewise, they can leave the group as well.
We appreciate your posts.
I'm sure I speak for all our members,
Cloud
Broken, unfortunately change is a constant in itself. All of us, whether survivor or not, resist change. And why not? Routine is comfortable. Knowing what will happen allows us to prepare for good or bad things that are upcoming. It is the not knowing that many find the most troubling. Once the change has occurred (and has stabilized) it will become "the norm".
Just my thoughts,
Cloud

IO You did not lose yor place here or in my thoughts. Always thinking of you.
Broken

I understand that feeling very well. But have no worries you always have a place here.
RainDrop

So many emotions going on right now.
It was good to log in today and see that you three have posted here letting me know I still belong. It really is uplifting to me. Thanks so much.
An update:
I started my second semester in college yesterday. I am so excited but a little overwhelmed. I still do not have my books but I did manage to jump through all the hoops fafsa wanted me too. My classes are paid for and soon I will get a small check to help with supplies.
I have been working for a little old lady doing every day stuff that she is too old for.
I am optimistic about my near future.
Love always,
~IO

Good Luck with the new semester! I know its a little overwhelming but I think a new semester is exciting. So much to learn. Must be the teacher in me.
Broken

Feeling sorry for myself

I'm having a hard morning emotionally. Yesterday I got into a huge fight with my husband about attending my art group meeting next Friday. Turns out he will be away chaperoning a youth retreat for our church youth group. So he won't be around to take our son to his Cub Scout Pack meeting and he needed me to take my son there instead of going to my art meeting. Usually the kids attend the art meetings (when it doesn't fall on a cub scout night) because the core people in the group all have kids close in age. Next weeks meeting is an outing we've been planing for awhile one that didn't involve the children. We are secretly creating art somewhere in our town (a road side memorial of sorts.... to celebrate art). I really wanted to be a part of this gathering and was working on trying to get a babysitter and skip my sons Pack Meeting. I really didn't think it would bother my son to miss one of his pack meetings. They are a very busy pack and do a lot all year long. Anyway I didn't think it was that big of a deal to try to work out a babysitter (my mother in law) so I could go to the art meeting. So then I was going to try to see if I could get someone else to take him to his meeting. But my husband thinks I'm being selfish and that I should never put myself before my kids. I really didn't see it that way...though now I feel like it. He made it clear to me how he saw it and now my children heard his anger and what he said to me....so who knows what they think of me now. I decided I can't go to this art meeting now with out looking like I've failed my family and made a selfish decision. My husband seems to think that when I cry when he is angry with me and we are fighting that it's because I'm trying to make him feel bad...so he will cave (which never happens so why would I try?). That's just not true. I cry because I am not being heard and I feel overpowered emotionally. So then I was sitting this morning writing an email to my friend that runs the Art group to let her know I regretful ly wouldn't be there next week. I sat there and cried my eyes out :y47: while I wrote her that message. My husband was not even home at the time....so If I was crying to make him feel bad wouldn't he need to be here to see it? I guess I'm crying because I'm feeling sorry for myself and embarrassed that my husband isn't more supportive and understanding.
RainDrop

I am sorry you are hurting Raindrop. ..
Broken

I just wanted to update this post. After much arguing about things with my husband over the weekend. This morning he called me from work to tell me he lined up his mother to babysit for the kids Friday night so that I can go to my art meeting. I asked him why the change of heart....(because he argued with me all weekend about it)? He said because he loves me and wants to make me happy. He also said it should of never been an issue. WOW!!! Maybe something I said got through to him. I told him yesterday that I think it all boils down to him wanting to control me. He has the kids to guilt me into what he wants me to do now. I reminded him that he used to try to control what I did even before we had kids. He says that I am a rebel and that I just want to rebel against him. So I said to him "I'm an adult...I'm not your child.... Stop placing all these rules and regulations on my life and I won't have rules to break". I also thanked him for pointing out my selfishness and told him he was right that it is selfish. But I knew my son wouldn't mind making that sacrifice for me. I told him what hurt me the most is that he couldn't try to support me in the situation (I support him in many things in his life). He didn't want to find a solution he just wanted to dictate what I was doing that night and embarrass me in front of the kids. I guess he couldn't live with the resentment he knew I would have for him for keeping me away from my dreams... .so he caved and called his mom. Whatever the case may be....I WAS HEARD (I guess)....a whole weekend of yelling and crying may have payed off a little today. But sadly my children get to hear it all. Though it's better then just doing as he says and not standing up for myself. RIGHT?!?!
RainDrop

Raindrop,
I am really glad that things worked out.
Underneath all that dictating and controlling is a guy that cares for you. I am glad to see that he showed his face for you! Sometimes an insecurity on their part is what causes the aggressive behavior. After testing the bounds, he may have gotten over that insecurity, (what ever it may be) Maybe it was just he felt things were a little chaotic? I don't really know about your situation, however I may relate a little.
My father in-law had been relatively easy to deal with. Then his wife came home (she was doing 24hr in home care... the job is over) and now he is a complete grouch/jerk. I asked myself "What is his problem?"
When it was just him and us "kids", we did everything he said, and didn't argue, talk back or negate him. We have learn to just be pawns or not be home. His wife, stands up to him, voices her opinions and negates a few of the things he says. So he yells and b*tch*s until he gets his way.
The he is a nice guy and takes care of us all and does something fun and spontaneous.
Why?
Because.. ... HE CAN.
That doesn't make it right. But maybe that will help a little...?
Peace and Contentment
~IO

Raindrop glad you get to go to your art meeting. IW sorry things are difficult for you.
Broken